You're too sensitive...

Why do people call me too sensitive or too angry?  Am I?  Well, I am and not because I identify with multiple marginalized groups, but because I am Christian.  I get angry with injustice, I am sensitive with people's stories who are dismissed because others don't understand or agree.  I am hurt, by the lack of compassion for the 'others'.  My faith in the gospel makes me very sensory and calls me to do and/or say something.

I have a voice that I didn't have when I was in my teens or early 20s.  I would look past injustices saying confidently it is not 'my battle'.  Caring for others is exhausting, painful, and downright messy, but it is the life that I CHOOSE.  My faith in humanity often wavers when I am in community and told well this group doesn't matter vs. this other group because they sin too much or they aren't holy.  WHAT?  I am sinful and I am broken and I thank God for those who saw me as Christ sees me.  I am loved!  And I am as His daughter someone to fight for, advocate for, love, correct, love some more and rejoice in. 

I CHOSE to extend my voice because someone did so for me when I wasn't a 'good enough' Christian, meek, gentile or submissive.  I chose to lend my voice because someone reminded me that being a woman my God celebrates and honors as an ezer of his kingdom.  I chose to be sensitive because I am loved even though my community often is viewed with suspicion.  I am angry, because I am sometimes the other to this day, even with my accomplishments.  I am burdened, by having to correct people who intellectually want to justify oppression to elevate their own agenda.  I am saddened, when compassion is seen as weakness or a defect.  However, I am renewed when I remember this voice, my voice is needed because of the enormous brokenness we live in everyday. 

2 Corinthians 12:10 says, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  Am I too sensitive?  Am I too angry?  Yes, now what?  What does it say about you, that you are not too sensitive or angry?

Do I understand what I believe?

After the SCOTUS ruling on marriage equality two things happened on my social media, a flurry of support/elation and the converse of dissention.  I'm not naïve that any decision would be met with all support, but what I found to be the most fascinating is the use of biblical rationale for the opposition.  Because I'm naturally introspective, I of course began to question my faith. 

I am a devout Christian who tries to live out my faith daily, some days my actions/responses are an outstanding representation of the Christian faith and there are the days I would rather not speak of.  However, when I see my Christian tribe spew hate I stop to think, how are We practicing from the same doctrine?  I do not claim to be a theologian, but because of this tugging on my heart I believe strongly, this is God's way of saying I cannot live out the word without understanding the word.  Therefore, I must be able to understand (because that's who I am) what God truly said about how he intended His children to live out our lives when it comes to marriage.

I think the calling then becomes for me to engage those who oppose the union of all marriage and seek out what the word says.  As I type these words I feel a bit of anxiety, because I would rather read a good book, or work on my novel, or maybe work on my dissertation, rather than what I'm about to do.  Ultimately, I hope through this interaction I will be able to increase my faith, by seeking the truth.  My hope is that I will be able to find and explain that God is not divisive and speak truth.

A great sadness...

The last 6 months living on the East Coast has been extremely troubling.  I like to think of myself as an advocate and seek to understand social issues before weighing in.  While externally my country has been in great turmoil on reconciling tough issues, what's been the most troubling is the reactions of people I call friends.  I have witnessed my friends post extremist ideals and extremely hurtful "troll like" responses.  I've began to reflect on how broken we all are and that I don't know these friends really well.   Take a beat Coco, which is my way of saying don't rush to judgment. 

I think now 2 months of reflection I realize when people are hurt and do not feel heard, the initial reaction/response seems to be anger.  Anger, for me is not a useful reaction because it doesn't resolve the issue.  I think a more compelling reaction is compassion.  Now, I have to clarify, I often feel anger, but I redirect once I've had an opportunity to reflect on the root cause of the emotion.  This mechanism for me has come as a result of years of therapy and a lot of internal work.  I've found this approach to be much more helpful when trying to address extremely complex issues.

This post then leads me to ask, if we all took time to be more compassionate could we resolve longstanding issues?  I would lean to think possibly, but it would also require us to be less self-righteous and more humble, two things I know I continue to struggle with.  But, I think if we sought to be more compassionate we would also have to get closer to the problems.  For some of us we would rather be side-line commentators, who express our anger, instead of helping to do the work to fix the problem.  Or in some cases be a part of the movement to fix that helps fix the problem.  I encourage you then to pick a side, the side of compassion. 

On taking risks

I have never been a big risk taker, ever. However, this week at a work conference I realized glaringly how true this observation is for me.  Throughout the week I watched as my colleagues networked and went to dinners with complete strangers or walked ahead of a group to get service when there was a clear line.  These behaviors while small made me realize how much I have fashioned my life into following the rules and not causing waves.  Initially, I thought there's no way this could be true, maybe I'm over thinking, because I'm inquisitive, I ALWAYS have questions.  But, asking questions isn't the same as doing things that make me uncomfortable. 

After lots of consideration I realized not taking risks protects me from failure, rejection and disappointment.  I do what's comfortable because I have a good idea of the outcome and staying in my lane allows for some control.  If I could insert an eye roll I would here.  I know intellectually that I don't control anything in my life, but I live my life by making strategic choices to mitigate negative consequences.  Hence, why I don't take risks.  Would my life be different if I started taking risks?  Maybe not, but I would rather find out and move beyond a controlled life where I always weigh how uncomfortable I will be if I do this thing.  I want to fully enjoy life and not be paralyzed from failing at new or different things.  I want to stop living in my head and well actually live.  Don't worry I won't break any laws, but I do intend to explore and test some boundaries I've installed over the years for myself.  Wish me luck!

The Decoders Guide

I have been in the perpetual state of dating I would say the for the majority of my adult life.  Not because of misfortune, but mainly by choice.  I think because of my propensity to process information I've acquired a skill now in my 30's of decoding messages when I meet someone new.  In my experience, I find men to be mostly non-confrontational and not as complicated as I used to think.  Now, I know I cannot generalize all men will use these strategies/statements, but based on my experience and the outcome here's how I decode the below messages and/or behaviors.  Read with caution and make your own conclusions.

"Let's be friends" actually means "I like you, but I want to explore other options" or "I don't like you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings.  Hopefully, you'll get the hint and eventually we won't talk or see each other again."

"I'll let you know" actually means "No"

"Send me some more pics" actually means "I want to see your entire body and not just your profile pic, because I want to make sure you're not fat."

"Girl you're thick" actually means "Uuu, you have a big butt, me likey." 

"Why are you still single?"  actually means "Are you crazy and that's why you're single?"

"Can I spend the night?" actually means "I hope I get lucky"

"I have my stuff together so I'm a good catch" actually means "You should be glad I'm interested in you because I'm special"

"When can I see you again" actually means "I like you and I want to see you again"

"You have a nice smile" actually means "You have a nice smile" or "I want to kiss you"

"I should go" actually means "You hurt my feelings, but I don't know how to say that to you without sounding weak"

"Do you like this" actually means "I'm not sure if I should get this, so help me make the decision"

"I want you to meet my boys" actually means "I really like you, but I need to make sure my boys do to so I don't look like an idiot in a few months because they will clown on me if you turn out to be cray"

"I'm going to hang with my boys tonight" actually means "I need space" or "I need to do something familiar, routine, or reenergize"

"Who's that [insert male's name] actually means "Should I be worried" or "Really, who's that because I don't like how he's looking at you"

"I like it when you don't wear a lot of makeup" actually means "You don't have to try so hard"

"Wear that dress I like or jeans I like" actually means "I'm mentally doing grown up things to you when you wear that outfit"

"My mom [insert meal] tastes better" actually means "This doesn't taste good"

"Good morning" text at 6:00 a.m. actually means "I'm thinking about you"

"I'm laid back" actually means "I'm not confrontational and will probably shut down if you confront me"

"My ex used to do that" actually means "Stop doing whatever you're doing, I don't like it"

"I don't want to have kids" actually means "I don't want to have kids and I'm pretty sure I won't change my mind so if you're hoping to change my mind you'll end up resenting me so I'm telling you now so it's not a surprise when you're biological is ringing louder than a siren"

"I don't want to get married" actually means well it could mean a lot of things...

"You smell good" actually means "You look nice"

"You deserve better" actually means "I cant' give you what you want and I think you'll find it out eventually so let's go our separate ways so I don't get hurt when you decide to leave"

"I've always liked you" actually means "I never thought we would have a chance to be together"

"She paid attention to me" actually means "I didn't have to work hard at it this relationship, so it was easy"

"Let's move into together" actually means "Let's take our relationship to the next level" or "I don't want to keep having to commute to see you and living together would just be easier" or "If we move in together maybe you will give me more time to see if we could get married" or "Let's play house, and I don't have any intentions to get married"

This isn't a statement, but it is surely a behavior that's worth mentioning...not responding to texts or sending calls straight to voicemail actually means I'm not that into you (sorry, you don't need to hear the words for you to have closure).

Another behavior I've noticed that seems be prevalent or rather recurrent is silence during a heated discussion really means I don't want to talk about this right now or I don't know how to talk about this topic so I'm going to shut down.

I've decided to stop here because this blog could probably be much longer.  My intent is not to be doom and gloom, but to share painful and sometimes comical lessons I've learned.  I think the biggest lesson though is having a good sense of what's important to me and sharing that with my prospect.  This approach has helped alleviate disappointment and wasting time with someone who doesn't align with my values.  And, most of all reinforced my self-confidence the relationship I want to be in should be a safe place where what is said doesn't need to be decoded.  Be encouraged! 

To All My Single Friends

This statement "to all my single friends" for a long time would evoke an almost instantaneous eye-roll.  It never failed, start the sentence or even better yet tag me in a post and most likely I wouldn't indulge in the advice.  You know why?  This statement carries a lot of coded messages; one of which is my welling meaning friend, has some piece of advice that she wants to impart on me since I'm not part of the super exclusive club of coupledom.  This statement often feels condescending and out right RUDE.  However, I know my friends love me and what the best for me so I half-way listen. 

My piece of advice to friends, is to ask me what I want for my life before assuming I'm devoid of something.  Let's be clear, I think relationships are beautiful and hope to be in one some day, but not before it's time.  As a matter of fact, I'm enjoying the freedom of singleness, and won't be shamed into thinking there's something wrong with how I feel.  My truth, is that there is an ebb and flow with my relationship status.  Some days I want to be coupled and others I like the ease of only considering my feelings and wants.  So, again if you want to be helpful with your advice, ask me where I am in the pendulum swing of being single before shelling out of unsolicited advice.

Carry on....

No New Friends

No new friends used to be my mantra (let me stop and give credit to Drake).  In essence, I agreed with the sediment that new friends were not as loyal as my peeps from way back.  But, what I've learned is my friendships with my girls have changed over time and new friends are necessary. 

Friendship is an important function in my life  My friends bring a sense of purpose, helps me refocus, our my nurturers and most of all are always prepared to keep me humble.  They see me better than I see myself on any good day.  Friendship is a beautiful union that has kept me sane for so many years.  However, as we get older the dynamics of the relationship changes.  Some friends are married, moved away, starting having children, changing careers, religions etc. and with these changes impact our ability to relate to one another.

I don't know what it feels like to nurse a baby, or move to another country, but I do know what it feels like to spend hours at end trying to research a conceptual framework.  The effortlessness of a friendship goes away when the core things which connected us are no longer true can make a considerable difference. What keeps the friendship going though, is the love and respect for one another. 

Here's where new friends are important.  New friends give you an opportunity to connect with people who you can relate to currently.  New friends provide a community and support which are crucial for anyone's mental health.  However, in order to connect to a new person, there is some risk. 

New friends don't understand your nuances or at least they don't have the context years of friendship provide.  So, new friends while important can be tricky.  When you get to be a woman of a certain age you want to be comfortable in your skin, so friends need to be supportive in that regard.  In the end, no new friends cannot be a hard fast rule because there's nothing more enjoyable than girl time. 

Into the Darkness

As a kid, I was afraid of the dark, but now as an adult my fear is still there it's just lived out differently.  I don't mind dark rooms at night, but I am afraid of the darkness of my insecurities, the constant desire of perfectionism, and poor decision making.  What does that even mean?  Well over the years of silently installing a negative recording tape--negative self-talk, the darkness is a metaphor for the heavy feeling of emptiness.  I don't know if the negative self-talk ever goes away, but I have managed to be able to silence the continuous rotation.  How?

I first had to recognize when darkness started to engulf me.  Living years of carrying the burden of not being good enough or broken was (and still is) my darkness.  The feeling of a weight on my heart, cloudiness and feeling the need to be alone was MO.  I used that time to reaffirm what I thought to be true.  The heaviness became a way of life and very normal.  I didn't know any different until one day I made a new commitment to diligently seek out joy.

Joy seeking was no easy feat!  I really had to peel back the layers of doubt, that had morphed into my security blanket.  Sounds really weird but because things seemed normal there was security in the 'known'.  Trying to identify what brought my joy was a chore sometimes, because I didn't know what did.  Carefully, I started with hobbies, which for someone who is legalistic as I, I wanted to perfect the craft.  Eventually, I learned to lean in and just enjoy the process.

My next step, was ultimately facing the negative self-talk as untruth that I told myself over the years.  I had no one to hide behind.  I had to take responsibility for believing that I was not enough and made decisions to reaffirm this warped identity.  One way I learned to reset the negative self-talk was surrounding myself with people I admired and people who spoke truth into my life.  My safety net is my church!  Now I know the church has been a source of hurt for many, but thankfully my experience has been transformative and nurturing.

End the end I saw the light (figuratively and literally).  I was able shed the darkness and allow the light to be infused into my spirit.  There was no hocus pocus about this choice to see myself differently.  I had to face my darkness head on (and with the support of a loving community) reset the clock. 

Protecting Your True Image

This week I was forwarded a link authored by a "pastor" providing advice to men; the blog is titled 10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry.  I've provided the link below just in case you want to read it on your own.  I was initially outraged and very offended by this blog post.  I even started to craft a response to this pastor, but I took a minute and read the comments and was quickly calmed by the course correction many of the commenters made.  I appreciated the honesty and care of many of the respondents, as a pastor where is the grace and humility in this blog.  The common theme of where is the grace made me think; does this pastor understand his words marginalize women, which is not of God. 

For many years I struggled with my faith because of my lack of understanding of the bible.  How could God make me in his image and reduce me to a role that limits me?  How can He in one moment craft beautiful imagery of the Proverbs 31 who is complex and well before her time; and in the same breath, order me to be meek.  How could I be an ezer, the protector/ warrior, but only be regarded as a subservient role?  I don't get it.  Years and years of the inner battle encouraged me to listen and seek out information and not rest only on the interpretation of pastors. 

God's intention for women I believe is to provide counsel, moral character, lead, heal, and speak life into people (figuratively and literally).  If this is this case then the message this pastor has inked virtually is misguided.  Women are complex beings, who have been able throughout history to endure very limited roles and still overcome the odds.  I believe that a woman of faith is a powerful entity that goes beyond the role confined to subservience.  And I believe in order to understand God's true image for women, we cannot be viewed as only a one dimensional character.  Because if we do then we lose the power that has been entrusted into us from the beginning. 

Unfortunately, pastors like this author have a sphere of influence to continue to perpetuate an old, harmful and very cloudy view of women.  This view of a one dimensional woman does not leave room to be true ezers, which is unfortunate.  This message he preaches can diminish and extinguish the fire an ezer.  My hope is that any woman who reads this blog understands that God sees us as more than what's written in the blog, He sees us as givers of life and powerful beings. 

http://nycpastor.com/2014/12/29/10-women-christian-men-should-not-marry/

Another Blogger in the Midst

For at least the last 5 years I've tinkered with the thought of blogging.  I've started and stopped throughout this time thinking I had just a great idea i.e. my food blog other years not so much.  However, this blog is different for me.  It's more personal and the desire to write about the empowerment and encouragement of my tribe has not gone away. 

As a woman, my identity is extremely complex.  I have numerous interests, talents, skills, distractions and some pesky demons.  All of these things (I can't think of a better word for it) pulls me in different directions.  In some circles, I should be demur, others I need to be stoic, somewhere around the corner I should be sexy, then down the block I should be a feminist.  I know I'm not the only woman who feels this continuous tug-of-war, so this blog gives me an opportunity to share my internal dialogue with others. 

It's my hope, this blog will give voice to topics that we only talk with our closest friends.  This blog will be a mixed bag of quotes, book reviews, posts and what would a blog be without the authors opinion. The beauty of being a woman is our compelling desire to be a part of a community.  Thusly, this blog will provide an outlet for just that, a community of Kindred Spirits.

Coco