Into the Darkness

As a kid, I was afraid of the dark, but now as an adult my fear is still there it's just lived out differently.  I don't mind dark rooms at night, but I am afraid of the darkness of my insecurities, the constant desire of perfectionism, and poor decision making.  What does that even mean?  Well over the years of silently installing a negative recording tape--negative self-talk, the darkness is a metaphor for the heavy feeling of emptiness.  I don't know if the negative self-talk ever goes away, but I have managed to be able to silence the continuous rotation.  How?

I first had to recognize when darkness started to engulf me.  Living years of carrying the burden of not being good enough or broken was (and still is) my darkness.  The feeling of a weight on my heart, cloudiness and feeling the need to be alone was MO.  I used that time to reaffirm what I thought to be true.  The heaviness became a way of life and very normal.  I didn't know any different until one day I made a new commitment to diligently seek out joy.

Joy seeking was no easy feat!  I really had to peel back the layers of doubt, that had morphed into my security blanket.  Sounds really weird but because things seemed normal there was security in the 'known'.  Trying to identify what brought my joy was a chore sometimes, because I didn't know what did.  Carefully, I started with hobbies, which for someone who is legalistic as I, I wanted to perfect the craft.  Eventually, I learned to lean in and just enjoy the process.

My next step, was ultimately facing the negative self-talk as untruth that I told myself over the years.  I had no one to hide behind.  I had to take responsibility for believing that I was not enough and made decisions to reaffirm this warped identity.  One way I learned to reset the negative self-talk was surrounding myself with people I admired and people who spoke truth into my life.  My safety net is my church!  Now I know the church has been a source of hurt for many, but thankfully my experience has been transformative and nurturing.

End the end I saw the light (figuratively and literally).  I was able shed the darkness and allow the light to be infused into my spirit.  There was no hocus pocus about this choice to see myself differently.  I had to face my darkness head on (and with the support of a loving community) reset the clock.