The Decoders Guide

I have been in the perpetual state of dating I would say the for the majority of my adult life.  Not because of misfortune, but mainly by choice.  I think because of my propensity to process information I've acquired a skill now in my 30's of decoding messages when I meet someone new.  In my experience, I find men to be mostly non-confrontational and not as complicated as I used to think.  Now, I know I cannot generalize all men will use these strategies/statements, but based on my experience and the outcome here's how I decode the below messages and/or behaviors.  Read with caution and make your own conclusions.

"Let's be friends" actually means "I like you, but I want to explore other options" or "I don't like you, but I don't want to hurt your feelings.  Hopefully, you'll get the hint and eventually we won't talk or see each other again."

"I'll let you know" actually means "No"

"Send me some more pics" actually means "I want to see your entire body and not just your profile pic, because I want to make sure you're not fat."

"Girl you're thick" actually means "Uuu, you have a big butt, me likey." 

"Why are you still single?"  actually means "Are you crazy and that's why you're single?"

"Can I spend the night?" actually means "I hope I get lucky"

"I have my stuff together so I'm a good catch" actually means "You should be glad I'm interested in you because I'm special"

"When can I see you again" actually means "I like you and I want to see you again"

"You have a nice smile" actually means "You have a nice smile" or "I want to kiss you"

"I should go" actually means "You hurt my feelings, but I don't know how to say that to you without sounding weak"

"Do you like this" actually means "I'm not sure if I should get this, so help me make the decision"

"I want you to meet my boys" actually means "I really like you, but I need to make sure my boys do to so I don't look like an idiot in a few months because they will clown on me if you turn out to be cray"

"I'm going to hang with my boys tonight" actually means "I need space" or "I need to do something familiar, routine, or reenergize"

"Who's that [insert male's name] actually means "Should I be worried" or "Really, who's that because I don't like how he's looking at you"

"I like it when you don't wear a lot of makeup" actually means "You don't have to try so hard"

"Wear that dress I like or jeans I like" actually means "I'm mentally doing grown up things to you when you wear that outfit"

"My mom [insert meal] tastes better" actually means "This doesn't taste good"

"Good morning" text at 6:00 a.m. actually means "I'm thinking about you"

"I'm laid back" actually means "I'm not confrontational and will probably shut down if you confront me"

"My ex used to do that" actually means "Stop doing whatever you're doing, I don't like it"

"I don't want to have kids" actually means "I don't want to have kids and I'm pretty sure I won't change my mind so if you're hoping to change my mind you'll end up resenting me so I'm telling you now so it's not a surprise when you're biological is ringing louder than a siren"

"I don't want to get married" actually means well it could mean a lot of things...

"You smell good" actually means "You look nice"

"You deserve better" actually means "I cant' give you what you want and I think you'll find it out eventually so let's go our separate ways so I don't get hurt when you decide to leave"

"I've always liked you" actually means "I never thought we would have a chance to be together"

"She paid attention to me" actually means "I didn't have to work hard at it this relationship, so it was easy"

"Let's move into together" actually means "Let's take our relationship to the next level" or "I don't want to keep having to commute to see you and living together would just be easier" or "If we move in together maybe you will give me more time to see if we could get married" or "Let's play house, and I don't have any intentions to get married"

This isn't a statement, but it is surely a behavior that's worth mentioning...not responding to texts or sending calls straight to voicemail actually means I'm not that into you (sorry, you don't need to hear the words for you to have closure).

Another behavior I've noticed that seems be prevalent or rather recurrent is silence during a heated discussion really means I don't want to talk about this right now or I don't know how to talk about this topic so I'm going to shut down.

I've decided to stop here because this blog could probably be much longer.  My intent is not to be doom and gloom, but to share painful and sometimes comical lessons I've learned.  I think the biggest lesson though is having a good sense of what's important to me and sharing that with my prospect.  This approach has helped alleviate disappointment and wasting time with someone who doesn't align with my values.  And, most of all reinforced my self-confidence the relationship I want to be in should be a safe place where what is said doesn't need to be decoded.  Be encouraged!