No new friends used to be my mantra (let me stop and give credit to Drake). In essence, I agreed with the sediment that new friends were not as loyal as my peeps from way back. But, what I've learned is my friendships with my girls have changed over time and new friends are necessary.
Friendship is an important function in my life My friends bring a sense of purpose, helps me refocus, our my nurturers and most of all are always prepared to keep me humble. They see me better than I see myself on any good day. Friendship is a beautiful union that has kept me sane for so many years. However, as we get older the dynamics of the relationship changes. Some friends are married, moved away, starting having children, changing careers, religions etc. and with these changes impact our ability to relate to one another.
I don't know what it feels like to nurse a baby, or move to another country, but I do know what it feels like to spend hours at end trying to research a conceptual framework. The effortlessness of a friendship goes away when the core things which connected us are no longer true can make a considerable difference. What keeps the friendship going though, is the love and respect for one another.
Here's where new friends are important. New friends give you an opportunity to connect with people who you can relate to currently. New friends provide a community and support which are crucial for anyone's mental health. However, in order to connect to a new person, there is some risk.
New friends don't understand your nuances or at least they don't have the context years of friendship provide. So, new friends while important can be tricky. When you get to be a woman of a certain age you want to be comfortable in your skin, so friends need to be supportive in that regard. In the end, no new friends cannot be a hard fast rule because there's nothing more enjoyable than girl time.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Monday, January 26, 2015
Into the Darkness
As a kid, I was afraid of the dark, but now as an adult my fear is still there it's just lived out differently. I don't mind dark rooms at night, but I am afraid of the darkness of my insecurities, the constant desire of perfectionism, and poor decision making. What does that even mean? Well over the years of silently installing a negative recording tape--negative self-talk, the darkness is a metaphor for the heavy feeling of emptiness. I don't know if the negative self-talk ever goes away, but I have managed to be able to silence the continuous rotation. How?
I first had to recognize when darkness started to engulf me. Living years of carrying the burden of not being good enough or broken was (and still is) my darkness. The feeling of a weight on my heart, cloudiness and feeling the need to be alone was MO. I used that time to reaffirm what I thought to be true. The heaviness became a way of life and very normal. I didn't know any different until one day I made a new commitment to diligently seek out joy.
Joy seeking was no easy feat! I really had to peel back the layers of doubt, that had morphed into my security blanket. Sounds really weird but because things seemed normal there was security in the 'known'. Trying to identify what brought my joy was a chore sometimes, because I didn't know what did. Carefully, I started with hobbies, which for someone who is legalistic as I, I wanted to perfect the craft. Eventually, I learned to lean in and just enjoy the process.
My next step, was ultimately facing the negative self-talk as untruth that I told myself over the years. I had no one to hide behind. I had to take responsibility for believing that I was not enough and made decisions to reaffirm this warped identity. One way I learned to reset the negative self-talk was surrounding myself with people I admired and people who spoke truth into my life. My safety net is my church! Now I know the church has been a source of hurt for many, but thankfully my experience has been transformative and nurturing.
End the end I saw the light (figuratively and literally). I was able shed the darkness and allow the light to be infused into my spirit. There was no hocus pocus about this choice to see myself differently. I had to face my darkness head on (and with the support of a loving community) reset the clock.
I first had to recognize when darkness started to engulf me. Living years of carrying the burden of not being good enough or broken was (and still is) my darkness. The feeling of a weight on my heart, cloudiness and feeling the need to be alone was MO. I used that time to reaffirm what I thought to be true. The heaviness became a way of life and very normal. I didn't know any different until one day I made a new commitment to diligently seek out joy.
Joy seeking was no easy feat! I really had to peel back the layers of doubt, that had morphed into my security blanket. Sounds really weird but because things seemed normal there was security in the 'known'. Trying to identify what brought my joy was a chore sometimes, because I didn't know what did. Carefully, I started with hobbies, which for someone who is legalistic as I, I wanted to perfect the craft. Eventually, I learned to lean in and just enjoy the process.
My next step, was ultimately facing the negative self-talk as untruth that I told myself over the years. I had no one to hide behind. I had to take responsibility for believing that I was not enough and made decisions to reaffirm this warped identity. One way I learned to reset the negative self-talk was surrounding myself with people I admired and people who spoke truth into my life. My safety net is my church! Now I know the church has been a source of hurt for many, but thankfully my experience has been transformative and nurturing.
End the end I saw the light (figuratively and literally). I was able shed the darkness and allow the light to be infused into my spirit. There was no hocus pocus about this choice to see myself differently. I had to face my darkness head on (and with the support of a loving community) reset the clock.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Protecting Your True Image
This week I was forwarded a link authored by a "pastor" providing advice to men; the blog is titled 10 Women Christian Men Should Not Marry. I've provided the link below just in case you want to read it on your own. I was initially outraged and very offended by this blog post. I even started to craft a response to this pastor, but I took a minute and read the comments and was quickly calmed by the course correction many of the commenters made. I appreciated the honesty and care of many of the respondents, as a pastor where is the grace and humility in this blog. The common theme of where is the grace made me think; does this pastor understand his words marginalize women, which is not of God.
For many years I struggled with my faith because of my lack of understanding of the bible. How could God make me in his image and reduce me to a role that limits me? How can He in one moment craft beautiful imagery of the Proverbs 31 who is complex and well before her time; and in the same breath, order me to be meek. How could I be an ezer, the protector/ warrior, but only be regarded as a subservient role? I don't get it. Years and years of the inner battle encouraged me to listen and seek out information and not rest only on the interpretation of pastors.
God's intention for women I believe is to provide counsel, moral character, lead, heal, and speak life into people (figuratively and literally). If this is this case then the message this pastor has inked virtually is misguided. Women are complex beings, who have been able throughout history to endure very limited roles and still overcome the odds. I believe that a woman of faith is a powerful entity that goes beyond the role confined to subservience. And I believe in order to understand God's true image for women, we cannot be viewed as only a one dimensional character. Because if we do then we lose the power that has been entrusted into us from the beginning.
Unfortunately, pastors like this author have a sphere of influence to continue to perpetuate an old, harmful and very cloudy view of women. This view of a one dimensional woman does not leave room to be true ezers, which is unfortunate. This message he preaches can diminish and extinguish the fire an ezer. My hope is that any woman who reads this blog understands that God sees us as more than what's written in the blog, He sees us as givers of life and powerful beings.
http://nycpastor.com/2014/12/29/10-women-christian-men-should-not-marry/
For many years I struggled with my faith because of my lack of understanding of the bible. How could God make me in his image and reduce me to a role that limits me? How can He in one moment craft beautiful imagery of the Proverbs 31 who is complex and well before her time; and in the same breath, order me to be meek. How could I be an ezer, the protector/ warrior, but only be regarded as a subservient role? I don't get it. Years and years of the inner battle encouraged me to listen and seek out information and not rest only on the interpretation of pastors.
God's intention for women I believe is to provide counsel, moral character, lead, heal, and speak life into people (figuratively and literally). If this is this case then the message this pastor has inked virtually is misguided. Women are complex beings, who have been able throughout history to endure very limited roles and still overcome the odds. I believe that a woman of faith is a powerful entity that goes beyond the role confined to subservience. And I believe in order to understand God's true image for women, we cannot be viewed as only a one dimensional character. Because if we do then we lose the power that has been entrusted into us from the beginning.
Unfortunately, pastors like this author have a sphere of influence to continue to perpetuate an old, harmful and very cloudy view of women. This view of a one dimensional woman does not leave room to be true ezers, which is unfortunate. This message he preaches can diminish and extinguish the fire an ezer. My hope is that any woman who reads this blog understands that God sees us as more than what's written in the blog, He sees us as givers of life and powerful beings.
http://nycpastor.com/2014/12/29/10-women-christian-men-should-not-marry/
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Another Blogger in the Midst
For at least the last 5 years I've tinkered with the thought of blogging. I've started and stopped throughout this time thinking I had just a great idea i.e. my food blog other years not so much. However, this blog is different for me. It's more personal and the desire to write about the empowerment and encouragement of my tribe has not gone away.
As a woman, my identity is extremely complex. I have numerous interests, talents, skills, distractions and some pesky demons. All of these things (I can't think of a better word for it) pulls me in different directions. In some circles, I should be demur, others I need to be stoic, somewhere around the corner I should be sexy, then down the block I should be a feminist. I know I'm not the only woman who feels this continuous tug-of-war, so this blog gives me an opportunity to share my internal dialogue with others.
It's my hope, this blog will give voice to topics that we only talk with our closest friends. This blog will be a mixed bag of quotes, book reviews, posts and what would a blog be without the authors opinion. The beauty of being a woman is our compelling desire to be a part of a community. Thusly, this blog will provide an outlet for just that, a community of Kindred Spirits.
Coco
As a woman, my identity is extremely complex. I have numerous interests, talents, skills, distractions and some pesky demons. All of these things (I can't think of a better word for it) pulls me in different directions. In some circles, I should be demur, others I need to be stoic, somewhere around the corner I should be sexy, then down the block I should be a feminist. I know I'm not the only woman who feels this continuous tug-of-war, so this blog gives me an opportunity to share my internal dialogue with others.
It's my hope, this blog will give voice to topics that we only talk with our closest friends. This blog will be a mixed bag of quotes, book reviews, posts and what would a blog be without the authors opinion. The beauty of being a woman is our compelling desire to be a part of a community. Thusly, this blog will provide an outlet for just that, a community of Kindred Spirits.
Coco
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